Bible Satire Fan Gifts

Evil Financial Advisor

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

Ghostwriting the Bible

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

"Hang on, isn't this the second pair of zebras we've had today?"

A surprise in heaven

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

"I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer."

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Enough with the treehugging already!"

"At first, I was teaching Job a lesson, but now I'm just messing with him."

Moses parting the waves and trolleys appear on the sea bed!

"Heavens above no, I'm not the angel of the Lord. I'm the landlord from the Angel. I wondered if you fancied a pint."

'I don't get it, I've only served that guy water all evening.'

"At the time I thought it was a goose."

"I'll convert. What does the attorney general recommend?"

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

"Let there be light hors d'oeuvres."

"He changed water into wine!"

Moses and the Three Wise Monkeys

'5.40pm on the 2nd day....and still waiting for the surveyor'

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

"Let us recall the parable of Jesus turning the other tentacle."

'Catch a pair of chimps and do a complete makeover on them.'

'Eve ate the apple, and she's asking if you want to make it two out of three with oranges and bananas?'

"Hallelujah!"

"According to the breathalyzer, the wine definitely represents your blood."

"Excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about that?"

Moral Outrage.

"Could you speed it up a little, the 'Seinfeld' marathon starts in five minutes."

"The good news is everyone's on board. The bad news is the unicorns are gay."