Believer With A Sense Of Humor Gifts

God says no to praying woman.

'Before you can enter, you need to punch in the verification code so we can be certain that you're a real soul,'

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'It makes baptisms a lot more fun for everyone.'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'What are you giving up for Lent this year?' - 'Anchovies.' - 'I thought you hated anchovies?' - 'I do. Care for a cookie instead?' - 'Lent is supposed to be about challenge and sacrifice!' - 'Play to win, Baby!'

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

Pastoring for Dummies

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

Minister's File

A virtue of vicars

"His sermon last Sunday, 'The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth,' had them rolling in the aisles."

'Let us now turn to the Gospel According to St. Matthew for today's sob story.'

"Reading the Sunday Funnies 'religiously' does not count as worship."

'Today's sermon may seem a little incoherent -- my 'Preach-o-Mat' program crashed.'

Church: 'We reserve the right to refuse salvation to anyone.'

"Is your church up for the 'Best Media Coverage' award?"

'As it's Sunday there will be 30 minutes browsing before the service begins.'

Priest to congregation, "I'm no different to you just because I wear a dog collar."

Church Open 51 Sundays Per Year, Closed Superbowl Sunday

'Don't worry it's safe, the baptismal is filled with hand sanitizer."

REPENT, 'Hey! -- Go find your own corner!'

"Thank you for holding, your prayers have advanced in the queue and will be answered by the next available deity."

Jesus Fish

"A representative from headquarters to see you, sir."