Baseball Hero Gifts

"Oh, I see you found my ball."

Frank moonlights as a Grill Sergeant.

'I do a lot of icing. It's part of my mellowness.'

PROBLEM AREAS

"He's got great velocity but his trajectory needs work."

'John is watching the game under protest.'

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

I love Basketball.

'I didn't read that scene, but I did highlight several passages.'

'Lungs, normal. Heart, normal. Kidneys, normal. For the life of me, I can't figure out where your pain is coming... wait. Do you play hockey?'

Zdeno Chara

Kids playing ice hockey for a medal.

"I don't care if your mother is watching on telly, just get the ball in the net!"

Professional football.

And the crowd goes wild—except for Mary, because she wasn't paying attention.

"Look, I'm the bobblehead of this team."

'My knee's in rehab. This one's a loaner.'

Goalie Wall.

Many people suspect that the players aren't the only ones on steroids.

Hey, Twig! Ryan Beardsley wants your cell phone number! The divine wonder of West Fester High? Finally! My life changes for the better. He needs activities for his college apps and wants to come to our shortest eco-club cleanup. Change you can believe in. West Fester High School.

Athletic Darwinism.

Llama training

You look like a team player. I like that!

"Nicole, Kyle, would you guys burn my yearbook?"

"Highlighting your Bible doesn't make you more spiritual than anyone else."

'Congratulations, Hightower. You now lead the league in untainted urine samples.'

'Team spirit, my ass.'

T-Rex: the Best Hockey Goalie

"A little high and inside."

'I call this exercise 'Urban Aerobics'

Advantages of being bald # 3 - Evil villain movie parts.

"Man, he pulled that one out of thin air!"

I love hockey!

Canadian Jesus

Robot League Baseball. The player upgrades are great this year! New batteries and antennas will increase our home runs and decrease strike outs. They'll hit with more power, yet still make consistent contact! A software patch will cut down on errors. And the catcher's signs are encrypted now so they won't get stolen. Even with all that stuff, the most important upgrade is organic, grown in a biology lab! Yeah, every member of the pitching staff has a live arm!