Home Run Hero Gifts

"That ought to shut my mother up."

J.Willems Batting champ, home run champ, tested negative for steroids.

"Man, he pulled that one out of thin air!"

Knocked it out of the park

"He's got great velocity but his trajectory needs work."

Many people suspect that the players aren't the only ones on steroids.

'Quick, Mister, the ball! He's rounding second!'

'Congratulations, Hightower. You now lead the league in untainted urine samples.'

'Next up is the actual spectator who caught the record-setting home run ball. Do I hear $100,000?'

'Hi, mom, are you watching my home run trot?'

'Lassie, come home!!'

'Hi Hon, just calling to let you know I'm on my way home.'

Sammy Sosa

'Yo, coach! I think I found that promising young fielder with the hot bat who suddenly disappeared in the playoffs last fall!'

'Yeah, but it will always be tainted. ... Billy was on a sugar rush when he hit most of his home runs.'

'I hadn't realized the job market was so bad.'

Robot League Baseball. The player upgrades are great this year! New batteries and antennas will increase our home runs and decrease strike outs. They'll hit with more power, yet still make consistent contact! A software patch will cut down on errors. And the catcher's signs are encrypted now so they won't get stolen. Even with all that stuff, the most important upgrade is organic, grown in a biology lab! Yeah, every member of the pitching staff has a live arm!

"Stay fair, stay fair, c'mon, stay in... Wait, shouldn't I be running?!"

And the crowd goes wild—except for Mary, because she wasn't paying attention.

"You always rush out and high-dive me when I homer. How 'bout a bug when I whiff?"

Frank moonlights as a Grill Sergeant.

'Wow! That was some world series, Ella! Both Pujols and Holland were just amazing...'

Our farmer brought fresh beans, tomatoes, corn and squash this week. Nice. You should have bought into the farm share. I've got my own farmer. Mine's cheap. Mine's cheaper. Thanks, mom. You can't take more zucchini?

"Just a couple of ninety cent seed packets, and you can have fresh garden vegetables for heaven knows how long."

Boy with bat using toaster to launch bread for him to practise hitting

Baseball batting cage theater La Cage Aux Folles.

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

'John is watching the game under protest.'

I love Basketball.

Planting veggies

'She deserves it since she's raised our three kids with me overseas.'

Indoor Football

"My name is Leonard, and I'll be your auto mechanic for today."

"We won again, and guess what? A Russian oligarch wants to buy us!"

"You're moving into a place where all the parents live well and all the kids test well."