Home Run Hero Gifts

"That ought to shut my mother up."

J.Willems Batting champ, home run champ, tested negative for steroids.

"Man, he pulled that one out of thin air!"

Knocked it out of the park

"He's got great velocity but his trajectory needs work."

'Quick, Mister, the ball! He's rounding second!'

'Congratulations, Hightower. You now lead the league in untainted urine samples.'

'Next up is the actual spectator who caught the record-setting home run ball. Do I hear $100,000?'

'Hi, mom, are you watching my home run trot?'

'Hi Hon, just calling to let you know I'm on my way home.'

'Yo, coach! I think I found that promising young fielder with the hot bat who suddenly disappeared in the playoffs last fall!'

'Yeah, but it will always be tainted. ... Billy was on a sugar rush when he hit most of his home runs.'

'I hadn't realized the job market was so bad.'

"Stay fair, stay fair, c'mon, stay in... Wait, shouldn't I be running?!"

And the crowd goes wild—except for Mary, because she wasn't paying attention.

"You always rush out and high-dive me when I homer. How 'bout a bug when I whiff?"

Frank moonlights as a Grill Sergeant.

"Just a couple of ninety cent seed packets, and you can have fresh garden vegetables for heaven knows how long."

Boy with bat using toaster to launch bread for him to practise hitting

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

'John is watching the game under protest.'

I love Basketball.

'She deserves it since she's raised our three kids with me overseas.'

Planting veggies

Indoor Football

"My name is Leonard, and I'll be your auto mechanic for today."

"We won again, and guess what? A Russian oligarch wants to buy us!"

"You're moving into a place where all the parents live well and all the kids test well."

Athletic Darwinism.

'The salad bar's coming in early this year!!'

"A little high and inside."

'Roger that...I'm taking the first clean shot I can get.'

"If you don't have time to take care of everything, Sir, Mom's vegetable garden would be a good thing to let go."

"You said gardening would be duck soup. This is vegetable soup."

'The General won't be able to make it ,sir -he can't get a babysitter.'