Bark-tastic Storyteller Gifts

"Another slander suit!"

Bitchbark Canoe

'Br'er Fox said 'I'm going to throw you into the briar patch'...And Br'er Rabbit said, 'Please,please don't taser me!''

Little dog in Romance section in bookstore under sign: 'Puppy Love'

"There's really not much to obedience school. Just listen up and do what they say."

'Looks like someone beat us to the punch.'

Mittens is challenged by the string.

"I'm not growling, it's my stomach rumbling!"

'What sort of wines do you like?' ... 'Powerful ones!'

"Ever feel like even when you're barking at something you're still barking at nothing?"

No Soliciting

'Arf! Arf!'

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

'Can you give him something to relax his jaws?'

After chasing the rabbit for many hours, Buster found himself very far from home indeed.

Dog phrenology

"...And I like how you switched from the first person narrative to third person—impressive." "Thanks."

'Sure, he acts like he's into you now, but, trust me...he's only interested in one thing.'

"Kind words help the dairy cow produce good milk. They go in one ear and out the udder."

Dog in therapy.

"Lady... I gotta work order to fix a leaky roof."

"Never get between a mama bear and her cub – unless you want to hear a long story about our struggles with bedtime."

'...in sickness or health, inflation or deflation,marriage tax credit or debit...'

'Wow, it's busy...I hope we can find a barking spot!'

"On your application it says you've been a circus clown, an orthopaedic surgeon and a molecular biologist."

Press freedom day

Triple espresso. Forget it, Uncle Mort. Let's face facts: You're not as young as you used to be. Too much caffeine can literally kill you. Poppycock! Do you know who you're talking to? When we stormed across Europe under Patton, my tank battalion got stuck in the mud during a torrential downpour. Arty Lang switched my canteen full of rainwater with one full of tank gas. So I replaced his tank's timing belt with tree bark and dental floss. That big galoot and I were always pranking each other lik

Three years ago during a special episode of the Ask Sadie™ show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she could deal with her midlife crisis. You should try a radical makeover. When I hit midlife, I dyed my hair, got some tattoos, and dropped 75 pounds. My husband barely recognized me when he returned from overseas. He was not happy with my "new self," so I divorced him rather than change who I'd become. It was the best decision I'd made since I cut my thieving mother out

The Battle of the Pictures.

'Your novel has an up-to-the-moment breaking news quality. We intend to publish it in 2012.'

'This chicken has no taste or character.' 'I thought you wanted to eat it, not offer it a job.'

'Sure you always catch bigger fish than me. Your arms are a foot longer than mine.'

Jonah met a strange wooden boy in the belly of the whale.

"Say something like 'Bow-wow' or 'Arf-arf' and you'll really break them up."

'Brilliant writing, Mr. Fenswick, but I'm afraid we'll have to pass on your 'How to Commit the Perfect Crime'!'