Bard Mocker Gifts

"Instead of a three-hour play with 20 performers, what about a single performer, alone onstage, telling jokes for 30 minutes?"

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

'If I don't chew this, my S.A.T. scores will skyrocket.'

'I've collected my memos into one reasonably priced gift book.'

"Less hair doesn't mean less work!"

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

"Excuse me, Mr Newton, but some of the employees think that your promotion has gone to your head."

"The beatings will continue until the morale improves!"

'Every man has his price, Peterson. I've decided yours is £2.75.'

'Are you sure it's non-drowsy? I cannot afford to oversleep...'

Mismanagement Consultant.

'Please excuse my nurse -- this is her first day on the job.'

"Well, I guess that old saying really is true: the squeaky wheel gets the grease!"

'How much is that yuppy in the window?'

"I like your paperweight, Watkins..."

Earplugs £2 a Pair

'Of course we're making a lot of mistakes - this is a dummy corporation.'

'Please, sir -- I appeal to your common humanity!'

Fishermen catch a fish paint a 'No Fishing' sign.

"Just you wait until this firing freeze is over!"

Arrogant OAP.

"My wife says I bore people to death."

"I wouldn't usually say, 'she's always copying me' is grounds for divorce."

'For better or worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until you wish you were dead?'

Memo to all departments: NO!

"So help me, Henderson, if you sing 'Row Row Row Your Boat' one more time..."

'The cross doesn't affect him. Let's try with a Star of David.'

"If marriage is so great how come you never hear about simulated marriage?"

Severe Food Criticism.

"My Mother was right. She told me when I was eighteen, that if I married him it wouldnt last!"

'Leave me the figures on my voicemail... I never check it.'

'The reality is, if you should go on one of those shows, I doubt that TV viewers would accept you any better than I do!'

'Hmm...needs refining.'

'When you've seen one criminally violent, sex-filed horror play, you've seen the lot, I always say.'