Bar Fly Humorist Gifts

"He's always had a fascination with the hard drinking,hard living writer,the tortured genius. It's an image he's tried to emulate. Unfortunately he's only ever managed the first two parts." "I can't <hic> feel my face."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

"I just realized you're my entire entourage."

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'Your husband? He's just leaving...'

"How about we settle your tab from the regular season?"

'I'm not drinking with you anymore after what you did to me this morning. . .'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

"What other tricks does he need?"

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

'George said he was coming here to unwind.'

Complementary Beverages

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

Pub restrooms; Thugs - Thugettes

"Gimme a lite. Bug Lite."

"Do you take dark money?"

"I don't know 'where I've been all of your life', but wherever it was, I wish I was there now!"

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

"That's right, Carl. I'm bitchy. I'm supposed to be bitchy."

"I'm floating in pure vodka; feel free to dip your glass in if you'd like."

"Ooops - I'm afraid that was my beer...wait a second whilst I consult my swearword consultant."

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

'The gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you an aphrodisiac.'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

"So. Are you a mime, a puppeteer, or a ventriloquist?"

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

"...and when the show's not on the road, we still like to work together."

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

Joe's Tavern: Perfect Attendance