Bar Fly Humor Gifts

'Do you ever worry about getting the D.T.'s?'

"I just realized you're my entire entourage."

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

'Your husband? He's just leaving...'

"How about we settle your tab from the regular season?"

'I'm not drinking with you anymore after what you did to me this morning. . .'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

'George said he was coming here to unwind.'

Pub restrooms; Thugs - Thugettes

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

"Gimme a lite. Bug Lite."

Complementary Beverages

"Do you take dark money?"

"I'm floating in pure vodka; feel free to dip your glass in if you'd like."

"I don't know 'where I've been all of your life', but wherever it was, I wish I was there now!"

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

"Ooops - I'm afraid that was my beer...wait a second whilst I consult my swearword consultant."

"That's right, Carl. I'm bitchy. I'm supposed to be bitchy."

'The gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you an aphrodisiac.'

"So. Are you a mime, a puppeteer, or a ventriloquist?"

"...and when the show's not on the road, we still like to work together."

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

Virtual Lap Dancing

'Anyone can eat right... but it takes a top performer to drink right.'

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

Joe's Tavern: Perfect Attendance

"I don't know—my gut tells me I should have another beer."

"I feel like I've just been played my whole life."

'Ah, Dr. Mecklenburg, noted research scientist, we meet again.'

Women drinking breakfast martinis.