Bar Humor Gifts

'Are you trying to be funny?'

"For some reason, people drink a lot less since I brought my twin brother into the business."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"What other tricks does he need?"

"Scientists may need a trillion dollar atom smasher to explore the fundamental questions of the universe, but all you need is one too many."

Complementary Beverages

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"So who ordered the 'Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum on a dead mans chest'?"

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

". . . so a duck walks into a . . ."

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

"She said don't forget the straw."

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

'These drinks have been watered down.'

"I'm supposed to meet a minister and a priest here..."

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

Virtual Lap Dancing

"I feel like I've just been played my whole life."

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

'I'd like a brandy please...'

"Let's have some fun, guys -- Let's walk into a bar."

"If that's the chief medical officer I'm not here."

"I couldn't help overhearing what you ladies said about all the chlorine in the toilet water, and I could not agree more."

'What is this, some kind of joke?'

People talking through a stethoscope.

"Wow, that's amazing! I've only been to this bar once before. I'm surprised you remembered my round!"

'I'm having what he's having.'

"Leave the toilet."

'You always have an excuse when it's your turn to buy the drinks.'

"As this is our first date, perhaps I should tell you that I participate in several frequent liar programmes."