Barfly Humorist Gifts

I drink to forget... which can take for-freakin'-ever when you're an elephant!'

'That's one thing about him. He knows when to stop.'

"Anyone here a 'worthless, no-good drunken bum'?"

'. . . Sorry guys, we've stopped serving - have you come far?'

'Why do I always attract the mad cows?'

"Cut me off when I start to sway."

'Same old line - his smartphone doesn't understand him.'

Harpy Hour.

'It's great you came, but the whole point of an affair is to not bring your husband.'

'Are you really a grand-father...?'

'May I have $50 to buy a round for the house, sir? — I'm a social drinker.'

"So. Are you a mime, a puppeteer, or a ventriloquist?"

As the old song says, "Let's get lost on a country road." Okay

Bar. I'm a self-made man! Oh, I wouldn't be that hard on yourself. "Like two ships in the night"? No, we're like a ship and an iceberg. I didn't say you make me feel younger. I said you've set me back ten years. I was killing time the other day ... Boring it to death, no doubt. I think the reason I strike out with women so often is that they're also the umpire!

"Gimme a lite. Bug Lite."

"It's O.K., I've got his car keys."

"He has intelligence but none of it is actionable."

"What's so funny about two monkeys in a bar?"

"He walks the walk and talks the talk. But he doesn't drink the drink."

"The guy at the other end of the bar would like to buy himself another drink."

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"I think I speak for my entire generation when I say, 'Yes, I will have another drink.' "

"An everything Martini, please."

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

"The Supreme Court says a corporation is a 'person?' Well, have you ever tried to take a corporation out for a nice, friendly beer?"

"Stranger, you're sitting in the boss's personal spot. That's why they moved the dart board over your head."

"... And to this day, she still blames the dog!"

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

''What's in the bag, lady?''

'You shouldn't knock them back so quickly.'

'Crushing empty beer cans is for wimps.'

Andy Oxidant meets Free Radical.

Adam and Eve toast next to a serpent bartender.

"I forget to drink."

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7