Bar Humorist Gifts

"What other tricks does he need?"

"It doesn't have a damn thing to do with political correctness, pal. I'm a sausage,and that guy's a wienie."

'Someone must have called him yellow again.'

"In life as well as in politics, identify your base and treat 'em right.

"I tried shutting my mouth and opening my mind, but then I remembered it's better to give than to receive."

'They say you are what you eat, but I've been eating nothing but hot dogs for years and I don't smell like ketchup.'

"I'm gonna need to see some ID, girls."

"...You don't look a day over 50 million!"

A ghost walks into a bar... 'Sorry buddy, we don't serve spirits here...!'

'Yes, the peanuts are free. But, we still expect you to buy a drink!'

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

"In the official language of the State of Florida, buzz off."

'Two pints of blonde please.'

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

'Just a glass of water with a treble whiskey mixer. . .'

'It's the only way Ernie can get a ‘hole-in-one'.'

Why don't we wait until we know each other better before I tell you how I got the name 'Humpty'.

The dart board from a dwarf sports bar.

I only eat animals that were vegetarians

"Deep down I'm really shallow."

"You want to take this outside?"

"Try and ignore the bar snacks Miss. They're complimentary."

'My next song is about a piano player in a second-rate bar, his cheap boss, his promiscuous wife, his pregnant daughter...'

"A whiskey on the rocks with a straw!"

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

"The wife is pursuing happiness. Mine, and she'll kill it if she catches it."

"Wow, that's amazing! I've only been to this bar once before. I'm surprised you remembered my round!"

"I'd like a glass of tap water, a dirty look and a sarcastic comment please."

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

"Actually, it's super-'person!'"

"Don't encourage him, Colleen. . . They're all after the same thing!"

"I cried because I had no shoes, the I met a horse who had no hooves, and a turtle who had no smoking jacket, and I laughed, because of something funny I remembered."

'I'm having what he's having.'

Bar. She must have confused with a plastic surgeon. She said I'm making other guys look good.