Background Check Worrier Gifts

'We were going to hire you, but a background check showed you pulled a girl's ponytail in the 2nd grade. We don't need abusive people working here.'

'I appreciate how you feel, but I'm afraid your report card isn't grounds for defamation of character.

"Double whammy. My weight now exceeds my credit score."

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"Grandma! What big medical bills you have!"

"I made a list of all my symptoms. Lost the list. Can't remember any of my symptoms now."

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

"I hate my job and I'm terrified of losing it."

"The economy doesn’t make me half as nervous as my kids do."

'Climate change seems to be a real thing... in the past, our money was sufficient till the 25th of a month. Nowadays, it's melted away on the 15th.'

'Run around with sharp objects and you'll poke an eye out!'

"Crap in" and "crap out"

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

"As a confirmed hypochondriac, I rely on placebos to get me through the day."

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

'One question. Now that death's over and done with, do I still have to worry about taxes?'

"The boss complimented Bob today... but now he's afraid if he talks to him again he'll say something stupid and ruin it!"

Energy Bills

'Talk about being scared straight...I just found out that being held back a grade is not an urban myth.'

'Panic over...it's not mumps just high blood pressure.'

"You know it almost BEGGARS belief that so many people are unwilling to pay for professional pension advice."

'You're a hypochondriac.' 'Yes, Doctor, but am I a healthy hypochondriac, or a sick hypochondriac?'

"I don't know what we'll do when our adjustable-rate mortgage resets."

'Of course things change: our fathers were replaced by machines - we'll be replaced with new software.'

'It's money in the bank. . . so it's worrisome.'

'It's sad to think of raising him in a world with looming tort reform.'

"My only hope is that they eventually drop math from the curriculum."

'Well, we've been talking about downsizing, and it looks like the bank is going to make sure we do.'

'Your present physical condition reminds me of my 401(K), worth about half of what it once was'

"I can't believe school starts next week. The first math exam is gonna be a killer! Then in six weeks, report cards! I'll probably be grounded!"

'Even hypochondriacs pass away...sooner or later.'

'You're fine.'

"So, when you looked up your symptoms, did it say to complain about it incessantly but never seek treatment?"

"Sidney gets nervous if he's too far from his money."

"They told me to consult with a doctor before beginning an exercise program."