Background Checks Gifts

'New partner, eh? Let me just run a complimentary CRB check for you.'

"I've finished all the background checks and consulted a psychological profiler to see if they can identify any problem areas."

PSA Banter.

'The doctor's gonna have to wire your mouth shut for a month... but guess what! If you're brave, I'll give you this lollipop when he's done!'

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

Rumors, lies and innuendo.

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

The Expert

"Don't worry. If we're too late, we can always catch the secondary screening."

"Sorry, we first have to do a background check."

"You notice all the books behind me...one of these days I'll get around to read one."

"Are these 'raw' facts or 'spun' facts?"

"That's Eleanor. She's a fact checker."

'We will conduct the background check. Our fortune, Madame Zula, will conduct a complimentary future check.'

Two computers, smaller one labeled DATA, the larger one, HYPE

"I didn't even get a balloon."

Mash-Test Dummies.

Nearly a third of the earth's life-forms have gone extinct. Cut! Stop with all the facts. This is debate club! But we're using a cable tv talk show format! What should I say? Unsupported opinions

'You're so illogical. I can never win an argument with you.'

Patient sees smiling doctor and mean-looking doctor: 'Oh, I get it ? it's the old good cholesterol/bad cholesterol routine.'

"Well, there's nothing wrong with his lungs anyway."

"We will demonstrate that climate change denial blogs cause further global warming."

Conspiracy theories

"The final phase of your background check... the bumper stickers on the back of your car."

'Hey, that line's moving a lot faster!'

'We ran a full DNA test, STR and Mitochondrial analysis... and Bob here 'Googled' it just to make sure.'

You Can't Argue With The Facts!

Lemme ask you something: Do you care about the quality of information you get? How's you mean? You want professional journalists covering events? If so, you've got to pay them. Bloggers sitting in their jammies at home can't get you the facts from Istanbul. You look extremely bored. You've got a weird hangup with facts.

"Do you have a few unsubstantiated claims I can borrow?"

"Stacy. Stacy. Honey... You're not a doctor."

'I got level 5 security clearance!'

"Stop fact checking my story."

'This is a really low budget approach to stopping illegal immigration.'

"You need to see a specialer. They're like specialists, but less so."