Award Show Critic Gifts

"It's rigged."

Assorted Smiles, Show Business Awards.

"Baldo, this show is for special entertainers...people who reach millions every day, who tell stories, who make you smile, who make you think..."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"We need to make it through at least one movie, so we have something to root for during the Oscars."

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Can't Touch This

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"I like it but does it get only the one channel?"

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

Barbie Oscars

'No, I've never been in a TV reality show. My reality is pretty well scripted by my wife, kids and boss.'

"And the award for Best Product Placement in a Domestic or Foreign Film goes to..."

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

"I suppose we have Judge Judy to thank for all this."

Oscars acceptance speech.