Award Show Critic T-Shirts

"It's rigged."

Assorted Smiles, Show Business Awards.

Snoop Dog speaks to a sellout audience (they all sold out years ago).

"Baldo, this show is for special entertainers...people who reach millions every day, who tell stories, who make you smile, who make you think..."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

American Idle.

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

"We need to make it through at least one movie, so we have something to root for during the Oscars."

Can't Touch This

"I like it but does it get only the one channel?"

It's not a bad planet -- Their talk shows make it seem a lot worse than it is.

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

Christmas TV...

'Nine national treasures in one film! Start writing your Oscar speech, darling.'

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

Can't Touch This

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

Barbie Oscars

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'