Award Recipient Wannabe Gifts

Businessman of the Year Awards.

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

Director/Action Man toy.

Reese Witherspoon

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Zorro as a child.

'Most of all, I'd like to thank god. . .'

Runs-With-Scissors Boy - Part One

'The 'most improved player of the year award' or the 'you don't suck as much as you did last year award' goes to...'

As Seen On TV

"I'll bet Miss Parker gets teacher of the year for this."

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

Producer, Director, Egomaniac Chairs.

'I don't see how you can put your profession as TV star just because you were in the crowd of Match of the Day!'

The great bespeak for Miss Snevellicci

Everyone in Tinseltown deserves 15 minutes of obscurity.

'I don't mind playing dead...but what I'd really like to do is direct.'

Pony Director

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

Your Ticket to Fame and Fortune...sold out.

'Wow! Oh, wait -- It's only a Nobel consolation prize.'

Pygmy giant squid

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

'Is there a Nobel Prize for viewing?'

"Did you just say Michael Pollan? Oh my god, I love Michael Pollan!"

'Thank you. Do you mind if I spray it about like they do on tv?'

In-law country

'Dang! -- STILL no lifetime achievement award!'

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but you have a tentative offer from Burma-Shave.

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

'I'm off to Stockholm to receive the Nobel Prize for Peace.'

'Don't they ever go down with their ruddy gondolas?'

'They're not just going to GIVE you a Nobel Peace Prize -- you have to FIGHT for it!'

"Carry yourself like everyone knows you, ad everyone you meet will feel like they should know you."

Quentin Quangotino