Award Hopeful Gifts

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

"I'll bet Miss Parker gets teacher of the year for this."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'They all want to play the star.'

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

Danae's Celebrity Career: 'I don't know where to begin in deciding what I want to be when I grow up...I want people to shut and leave me alone, and I need lots of attention, so...'

'Wow! Oh, wait -- It's only a Nobel consolation prize.'

"Face it - in this town, either you're a star or you're just another brown dwarf."

'Most of all, I'd like to thank god. . .'

Hollywood or bust!

"I'm thinking action roles might not really be your thing."

Welcome to Hollywood

"Have a career, and then if you want to try acting, you'll have my blessing."

"He's left a suicide screenplay."

'It's 'big office' meets 'poorly-received flop'!'

Live the Dream!

"When I grow up, I want to be a Presidential impersonator on 'Saturday Night Live.'"

"I'm sorry. We don't want a ring-tailed lemur. We want a ring-tailed-lemur type."

"Sure, if this was New York, I'd be your editor and you'd be the author - but this is L.A., so I'm your agent and you're the whatever."

'Sir Percy is here for his Purple Heart, Sire.'

'Congratulations on winning Weather Forecaster of the Year, you rotten swine!'

"Well, Clive, what I REALLY want to do it wait on tables."

A panhandler with a sign that reads "I'll never work in this town again!".

I'm only a part-time waiter, I'm really an actor.

"That's enough therapy. From here on out, I think I could do a hell of a lot more for both of us as your agent."

"Wait a minute... You're not Warren Gurkenman the famous actor, but his stuntman?!"