Aspiring Screenwriter Gifts

"No movie deal yet, but Kinko's extremely interested in the idea of making multiple copies of your screenplay."

"He's done it your majesty! He's turned lead into a screenplay!"

"I've sent last minute treatments to all the major studios."

"What an unrealistic movie!"

"It's a coming-of-middle-age story."

TV scriptwriter begging outside reality TV studio.

"Soon to be a motion picture."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Showbiz Awards

The Ray Bradbury classic, 'The Car Alarm.'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

"I was going to chuck it all and go to Paris but I didn't have enough frequent-flier miles."

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

Herman Mankiewicz

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"Not to be a motion picture - will remain just a book'

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

'The C minus was sufficient. I didn't need the advice against hiring a literary agent.'

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

"I need a little more drama like a ten part mini-series."

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

Stand-up Romcom

Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka

"Max! Oh, my God! There's like a billion moving ideas in there!"

"It turns out that if you give a hundred monkeys a hundred typewriters, eventually they'll turn out the work of Tarantino."

The ghosts of Christmas yet to come.

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

"I try to write a little bit every day."