Future Screenwriter Gifts

"Wait till to meet him, Mom! He reads books, has a checking account, and can even write script!"

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

I should be a writer when I grow up...

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Showbiz Awards

The Ray Bradbury classic, 'The Car Alarm.'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"When I grow up, I'm writing the Great American App."

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

Herman Mankiewicz

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"Not to be a motion picture - will remain just a book'

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

"I need a little more drama like a ten part mini-series."

Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka

Stand-up Romcom

"Max! Oh, my God! There's like a billion moving ideas in there!"

"It turns out that if you give a hundred monkeys a hundred typewriters, eventually they'll turn out the work of Tarantino."

The ghosts of Christmas yet to come.

"I know its hard to believe right now, Lawrence, but some day you'll thank me for asking you to punctuate your sentences correctly."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Can you believe you left your job and family to search for this key, and it was under here the whole time?"

"More rescue efforts, less screenplay."

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."