Screenplay Writing Gifts

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

The Ray Bradbury classic, 'The Car Alarm.'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

Herman Mankiewicz

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

"Not to be a motion picture - will remain just a book'

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"They've remained remarkably faithful to the text."

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

Stand-up Romcom

Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka

"I need a little more drama like a ten part mini-series."

"It turns out that if you give a hundred monkeys a hundred typewriters, eventually they'll turn out the work of Tarantino."

The ghosts of Christmas yet to come.

"Max! Oh, my God! There's like a billion moving ideas in there!"

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

"Can you believe you left your job and family to search for this key, and it was under here the whole time?"

"More rescue efforts, less screenplay."

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

Canadian film production

'This is the worst film noir I've ever seen.'