Screenplay Enthusiast Gifts

"I have to ask you a few questions. I've written a screenplay. Would you read it?"

"You know that kid that submitted a screenplay to us on the back of a restaurant menu? I'm passing on it. I like the screenplay, but I hate that restaurant."

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

'Oh man, every time.'

"Trust me, Max. Our script captures the warp and the woof of the way people really live!"

"Your book stinks - but it's just the kind of stupid drivel that would sell as a t.v. movie."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Showbiz Awards

The Ray Bradbury classic, 'The Car Alarm.'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

Herman Mankiewicz

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Not to be a motion picture - will remain just a book'

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

"I need a little more drama like a ten part mini-series."

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

Stand-up Romcom

Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

"Max! Oh, my God! There's like a billion moving ideas in there!"

The ghosts of Christmas yet to come.

"Bloody hell!"

"More rescue efforts, less screenplay."

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

"Can you believe you left your job and family to search for this key, and it was under here the whole time?"

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

Canadian film production

'This is the worst film noir I've ever seen.'

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'