Scriptwriter In Training Gifts

"How come I never get a copy of the script?"

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

'You're doing a play in kindergarten?'

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

Mensa Does Improv

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

A pretention of playwrights

Mega Cosmic Films. It's about a squad of ninja nuns? Yes, we call it "Force of Habit"!

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

"I can't tell you how it ended. That would ruin the sequel."

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Ye Editor. It’s a little downbeat, Will. How about making it a comedy and changing the name from "Othello" to "The Moor, The Marry-er"?

Actor practising his indian war crys

Athens Playhouse. Euclid is rehearsing a play he wrote about lust, money and lies. Investment Sales Office. Don't be obtuse! Face each other from this angle! He's a tough director. It's surprising that Euclid, the father of geometry, wrote about passion, money and deceit. I thought so too, until I read the script. It's a story about a pyramid scheme and a love triangle!

Hollywood producer.

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

'Hang on a minute...'

Morgue - "Welcome to 'Celebrity Autopsy'"

"Simon, I'm not really interested in your juvenilia."

"That movie was very familiar...a cute little girl who hangs out with monsters from a secret world."

'Ok, this sty is great and all, but can we get some huge explosions? Wilbur, could you say 'it's about to get real'?'

"The studio's asked me to see if I can dumb down some Danielle Steel."