Scriptwriter Wannabe Gifts

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Herman Mankiewicz

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

Mensa Does Improv

'Huh? Little Airmyn?'

A pretention of playwrights

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

'Hang on a minute...'

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

Hollywood producer.

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

Hollywood producer.

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

"That movie was very familiar...a cute little girl who hangs out with monsters from a secret world."

"The studio's asked me to see if I can dumb down some Danielle Steel."

"It's a coming-of-middle-age story."

"The script is flimsy, the action scenes implausible and the plot would insult the intelligence of a three year old."

Sorry, I thought you said you wanted to see 'Parrot Normal Activity'