Scriptwriter Wannabe Gifts

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Private thoughts of a television. I'd love the chance to ad lib just once!

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

Herman Mankiewicz

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

'Huh? Little Airmyn?'

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

Mensa Does Improv

A pretention of playwrights

'Hang on a minute...'

Ye Editor. It’s a little downbeat, Will. How about making it a comedy and changing the name from "Othello" to "The Moor, The Marry-er"?

Hollywood producer.

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

Mega Cosmic Films. It's about a squad of ninja nuns? Yes, we call it "Force of Habit"!

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

Athens Playhouse. Euclid is rehearsing a play he wrote about lust, money and lies. Investment Sales Office. Don't be obtuse! Face each other from this angle! He's a tough director. It's surprising that Euclid, the father of geometry, wrote about passion, money and deceit. I thought so too, until I read the script. It's a story about a pyramid scheme and a love triangle!

Hollywood producer.

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Actor practising his indian war crys

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

Morgue - "Welcome to 'Celebrity Autopsy'"

TV Situations vacant.

"It's a coming-of-middle-age story."