Scriptwriter In Training Pillows

"How come I never get a copy of the script?"

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'You're doing a play in kindergarten?'

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

A pretention of playwrights

Mensa Does Improv

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

"I can't tell you how it ended. That would ruin the sequel."

'Hang on a minute...'

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

Hollywood producer.

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

Morgue - "Welcome to 'Celebrity Autopsy'"

"Simon, I'm not really interested in your juvenilia."

"The studio's asked me to see if I can dumb down some Danielle Steel."

"Great money scenes!"

"The script is flimsy, the action scenes implausible and the plot would insult the intelligence of a three year old."