Aspiring Author Gifts

"Yes, but what I really want to do is write children's books."

"He's very disciplined about his writing, three hours staring at a blank screen every morning and five in the afternoon."

"Whoops - I Accidentally Pressed 'Elevator Pitch.'"

"I can't believe we didn't get into self-publishing a long time ago."

"Don't get me wrong, it's a charming story! We just think it would work better if someone famous wrote it."

At last, he was able to plug into the distribution network of a major publisher.

'Good news and bad. Your novel sticks but we'll publish it because stupid drivel sells.'

"When I grow up I'm going to be a ghost writer."

'Thank goodness, the publishers rejected my self help book.'

'Will you (swearing) shut the (swearing) up? -- I'm trying to work on my children's book!'

"So you're offering nothing and I'd like £300,000 why don't we meet in the middle!"

'The manuscript is 'green' because it's typed entirely on the backs of rejection slips.'

'The reason your mom wears combat boots - and I talk about this in my book...'

'Publshing Books for Dummies.'

'Ah yes, your debut novel. What we need now is to get it typed, spellchecked, find a publisher... and yes - we're home and dried.'

'I think we'll have to pass on your self-improvement book.'

Let your story out

"What made you start blogging about success?"

Fall comes to the writer's colony: The Annual Rejection Slip Rake-up.

"If I were writing fulltime, I'd have three unpublished novels by now."

"Ok, I'm doing this. I'm going to finally write that book."

"Those are the failed attempts at my first novel."

I'm writing the Great American novel, one bill at a time.

'Promise to tell the truth, including the parts you'd prefer to keep for an upcoming book or movie deal?'

I made up the book and name of the author...don't I get credit for being creative?

'Our next speaker is on parole to promote his best-selling book.'

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'You may well, Ms. Ferris, one day write a 'Fifty Shades of Grey' bonkbuster, but today your account is one shade of red.'

The Ultimate Self-Help Book! - How to write self-help books.

'Do you think my book on ants will start a bidding war?'

'Seven year jail sentence?' - 'The good news is you'll have time to write a book about it.'

The Ned Smith Archives

Writer, waiter, writer, waiter.

Do you have to write the 5 paragraph essays to be a rich investment banker? Or rock star? Or famous actress? No. No. And no. Then why learn to write one? So when those jobs don't work out

"Now I'll never finish my novel."