Aspiring Auteur Gifts

Chairs read 'Director (movie)' and 'Director (sycophantic DVD extras)'.

"I was going to chuck it all and go to Paris but I didn't have enough frequent-flier miles."

'The C minus was sufficient. I didn't need the advice against hiring a literary agent.'

"I would like a tube of lemon yellow, cadmium red, cobalt blue, ivory, black, and zinc white, a sixteen-by-twenty canvas, a couple of brushes, and that book 'Painting in Oils'."

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

"I try to write a little bit every day."

Great works I plan to complete during the lockdown.

Do you have to write the 5 paragraph essays to be a rich investment banker? Or rock star? Or famous actress? No. No. And no. Then why learn to write one? So when those jobs don't work out

It was my story. A murder mystery. A who-done-it-and-got-away-with-it-until-he-wrote-about-it.

"I'm gonna be a 'New Yorker' cartoonist. You're not supposed to understand it."

'I don't care if Jackson Pollock did start out this way. We are drawing kittens.'

'I really wanted to only take accounting courses, but my parents made me take this cartooning class so I would have something to fall back on.'

"If you saw a book with the title 'An American Speaks Out,' would you buy it?"

I'm writing the Great American novel, one bill at a time.

"Oh, don't mind that, it's just my body of unseen work."

"My wife has always encouraged me... ...to quit this stupid dream and get a real job." ... "You have a wife?"

"This is an excellent story, Doris, so far."

'Miss Donahue would give him an F.'

"Those are the failed attempts at my first novel."

"We don't have to worry about being quiet until we're old enough to read that sign."

"What made you start blogging about success?"

'I can't promise you a best seller but I can give you fifteen minutes of fame.'

'Publshing Books for Dummies.'

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

Children's Imagination

"A major crime publisher is interested in publishing your homework!"

'With one stroke of his fibre-tipped pen, Cartoonman laid waste to all that was evil...'

"I called for you creative people because I feel it's time to begin my autobiography."

Brian, I hope you're taking this seriously.

"It's a coming-of-middle-age story."

'Be gentle with me, it's my first novel.'

"Whoops - I Accidentally Pressed 'Elevator Pitch.'"

"When I grow up I'm going to be a ghost writer."

"That'll be the day!"

"This X-Ray proves conclusively that you don't have a book in you."