Art Of Absurdity Gifts

God has an attack of vertigo

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

Barcode Dreams

You don't need to believe EVERYTHING you are told.

"Now you can send it."

'After years of practicing in empty theaters, Horace's dream of becoming a soft-shoe dancer seemed as remote as ever.'

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

'Everybody from Liverpool's a comedian.'

Operation.

'Did anyone hand in a mature stilton last week?'

Trapeze artists commuting

'Not as easy as it looks?"

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

'You're too fussy - the coffee isn't THAT bad!'

"I was going to call you but I remembered I left some empty oxygen canisters on Mt. Everest."

A production line adds condiments to cars

Man in a desert looks up to see a sand timer sprinkling sand below.

Paul Verlaine

"Day 1: Back in the carrier."

Cockroach Costume

'Excuse me, sir. Can I interest you in a timeshare property?'

"How come we never sleep at my place?"

'I don't mind the haunting. I mind the droppings.'

A toaster plays fetch

'I wonder how you flush this thing?'

"Hands up!"

"May I be candid, Hogarth? I should have thought a shrimp girl would make a more appropriate subject than a girl shrimp."

Disued Lighting - Heating - Cooking.

Man crawling on desert see a dry cleaners in distance.

"Fascinating, a dollop of dog crap topped with jelly babies. yes, he's years ahead of his time."

Jesus snowblows a cloud.

"You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Unfortunately, it's a grizzly bear!"

'I still think you're lucky -- sitting in the corner isn't much of a punishment for TREASON.'