Appearance Keeper T-Shirts

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

"I've learned the secret to a happy holiday season! When relatives come to visit...make sure they think you love the gifts they gave you last year."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

"The spoon, he ran away with the goddam spoon."

Billy would watch his ant farm for hours on end.

"How about we settle your tab from the regular season?"

"I don't suppose you get many sovereign rulers in here anymore?"

'Okay then, what's the price break on TWENTY drinks?'

"If it's my pride, I'm not here"

"It was a mom-and-pop, but we inherited it."

'Your switching to Scotch? And after I've given you the best beers of my life!'

'Of course she hasn't aged a bit. She's married to a plastic surgeon!'

'Well, Eddy may look a bit rough, but he's good at heart - last week, he bought stocks from a company which produces cuddly puppy toys in pink ballet dresses!'

"You call this ice?"

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"Your confirmation number is 7913842461. To hear this information again press 1."

"I belong to that heroic little band of unemployed on whom a healthy economy depends."

A bald eagle approaches middle age

"The usual? Or will you be having our 'stimulus package'?"

"But everything seems so neat and orderly we'd never guess that your lives are falling apart."

'I wasn't the smartest guy in the room, but I had the whitest teeth!'

"Is it my imagination, or does our use of correction fluid increase as people's teeth get whiter?"

'A neighbour of mine has just come in - put 'em in a size 4 box, will you?'

"You're Bard!"

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

'The way I see it, you only get out of drinking what you put into it.'

"I may not be in for a while, Eddie. My wife and I have decided to normalize relations."

'Sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out, if I'd gotten Mom's eyes and Dad's hair.'

'I thought I'd seen everything, and then my wife came up with tofu fajitas.'

"Sorry, Dad."

"Do you have something cheap but with a really expensive label?"

'Try not to stare. Father Time hot hair plugs and botox.'

"A lot of blood, sweat and tears went into making this company what it is today! My father worked hard for what I've got."