Appearance-conscious T-Shirts

"Height is the only thing I'm capable of changing about myself."

'Try not to stare. Father Time hot hair plugs and botox.'

'Before you come with me, tell me...does this robe look a little rumpled to you? I don't think the dry cleaners got the creases out, do you?'

"Say, when did you get so fluff?"

"I don't care what it was or how hard it was to kill. It makes me look fat."

'Of course she hasn't aged a bit. She's married to a plastic surgeon!'

A bald eagle approaches middle age

"But everything seems so neat and orderly we'd never guess that your lives are falling apart."

'I wasn't the smartest guy in the room, but I had the whitest teeth!'

"Is it my imagination, or does our use of correction fluid increase as people's teeth get whiter?"

"Do you have something cheap but with a really expensive label?"

'Sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out, if I'd gotten Mom's eyes and Dad's hair.'

'A neighbour of mine has just come in - put 'em in a size 4 box, will you?'

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

Through thick and thin, John always managed to keep a stiff upper lip.

'With all these new surveillance cameras around town, I'm not going anywhere without full-make-up.'

'It's an easy product to sell. We just have patients view themselves in high def.'

If clothes make the man make sure yours don't make you into a twat.

'Do you have anything that reeks of power?'

"Actually, I don't read much, they're just background for my video calls."

'Anything else you want fixing, while I'm taking the mole off your nose?'

Ew, I look terrible! Take one more!

"I'm not so much interested in 'wellness' as I am 'swellness'."

Do you have hair, um, rinses that look natural? Of course! So that no one notices? Ahem! Oh, right

"The gentleman opposite would like to buy you more time."

"Oh, great—here comes that crazy #@!*%! Jeff who won't shut up about conspiracy theories. How's my hair look?"

'You are my best work.'

'Oh, come on. . . you can't tell me Dasher hasn't had antler enhancement surgery!'

Hairstyles to hide big ears

'Who told you you couldn't change your spots Miss Leopards? Of course you can...'

'No, your eyes are perfect, but fake glasses would sure make you look smarter.'

'Do these pants make my butte look big?'

Man deciding which hat to wear

"And this is what the tattoo you've chosen will look like in thirty years."

"Why speculate? Get your info straight from the source!"