Appearance-conscious T-Shirts

"Height is the only thing I'm capable of changing about myself."

'Try not to stare. Father Time hot hair plugs and botox.'

"I don't care what it was or how hard it was to kill. It makes me look fat."

'Of course she hasn't aged a bit. She's married to a plastic surgeon!'

A bald eagle approaches middle age

"But everything seems so neat and orderly we'd never guess that your lives are falling apart."

'I wasn't the smartest guy in the room, but I had the whitest teeth!'

"Is it my imagination, or does our use of correction fluid increase as people's teeth get whiter?"

"Do you have something cheap but with a really expensive label?"

'A neighbour of mine has just come in - put 'em in a size 4 box, will you?'

'Sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out, if I'd gotten Mom's eyes and Dad's hair.'

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

'With all these new surveillance cameras around town, I'm not going anywhere without full-make-up.'

If clothes make the man make sure yours don't make you into a twat.

'Do you have anything that reeks of power?'

'It's an easy product to sell. We just have patients view themselves in high def.'

"Actually, I don't read much, they're just background for my video calls."

'Anything else you want fixing, while I'm taking the mole off your nose?'

"Oh, great—here comes that crazy #@!*%! Jeff who won't shut up about conspiracy theories. How's my hair look?"

"The gentleman opposite would like to buy you more time."

"I'm not so much interested in 'wellness' as I am 'swellness'."

'You are my best work.'

'Oh, come on. . . you can't tell me Dasher hasn't had antler enhancement surgery!'

Man deciding which hat to wear

Hairstyles to hide big ears

'Do these pants make my butte look big?'

'Who told you you couldn't change your spots Miss Leopards? Of course you can...'

'No, your eyes are perfect, but fake glasses would sure make you look smarter.'

"And this is what the tattoo you've chosen will look like in thirty years."

"Why speculate? Get your info straight from the source!"

"I've learned the secret to a happy holiday season! When relatives come to visit...make sure they think you love the gifts they gave you last year."

"Would a beard make me look more academic?"