Appearance-conscious Conversationalist T-Shirts

"Oh, great—here comes that crazy #@!*%! Jeff who won't shut up about conspiracy theories. How's my hair look?"

Annual run-off at the mouth.

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

What price beauty?

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

'It wasn't so much a hostile takeover as it was a best 2 out of 3 pillow fight.'

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

Mobile Phones, "Now we are together we will proceed to the business of the day."

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

Person talks on phone as other blogs.

A lesson in wit

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

Prisoner speech

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

'Try not to stare. Father Time hot hair plugs and botox.'

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

'Every time I go on an ego trip, I get hijacked by terrorists!'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'