Appearance Guardian T-Shirts

"I did the best dental health poster in the class. I just hope Mr. Tooth Decay doesn't hold a grudge."

"Huddleston, I admire your hands-on approach to everything, but get the hell out of my office!"

'At midnight, we go over the wall.'

'Of course she hasn't aged a bit. She's married to a plastic surgeon!'

'I'm getting some unusually high readings around you.'

The proper way to wear your mask

"No not the puppy please"

A bald eagle approaches middle age

"Is it my imagination, or does our use of correction fluid increase as people's teeth get whiter?"

'Which end's the shallow end?'

'Try not to stare. Father Time hot hair plugs and botox.'

"Do you have something cheap but with a really expensive label?"

'Sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out, if I'd gotten Mom's eyes and Dad's hair.'

'Polly wants a machine gun.'

'Ok...something, but nothing you'd care about. Honest!'

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

"Height is the only thing I'm capable of changing about myself."

"We've been sent a few army vets to help with the culling"

"The gentleman opposite would like to buy you more time."

"I'm not so much interested in 'wellness' as I am 'swellness'."

"Try nibblin' through that, you little tree rat!"

"They had to make that it guy the CEO. He won't reveal the Master Password."

A pet cage wrapped in chains make the other customers in the waiting room nervous,

Safety: 'When Can I Work On My Own?'

'We hope you understand that you're not worth risking on our new carpet, and your feet will smell if you take your shoes off.'

'Make sure you stay in the shallow end.'

Baldo considers squishing a caterpillar and then changes his mind."

"I understand the house is a mess inside."

"I've learned the secret to a happy holiday season! When relatives come to visit...make sure they think you love the gifts they gave you last year."

Pirate with a Shepherd's Crook for an Arm

"What do you think? I've had an eye lift."