Appearance Keeper Gifts

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

"I've learned the secret to a happy holiday season! When relatives come to visit...make sure they think you love the gifts they gave you last year."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

"The spoon, he ran away with the goddam spoon."

Billy would watch his ant farm for hours on end.

'Before you come with me, tell me...does this robe look a little rumpled to you? I don't think the dry cleaners got the creases out, do you?'

"Say, when did you get so fluff?"

Michael Jackson

"How about we settle your tab from the regular season?"

'Okay then, what's the price break on TWENTY drinks?'

"If it's my pride, I'm not here"

"I don't suppose you get many sovereign rulers in here anymore?"

'Your switching to Scotch? And after I've given you the best beers of my life!'

"It was a mom-and-pop, but we inherited it."

'Of course she hasn't aged a bit. She's married to a plastic surgeon!'

'Well, Eddy may look a bit rough, but he's good at heart - last week, he bought stocks from a company which produces cuddly puppy toys in pink ballet dresses!'

"You call this ice?"

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"Your confirmation number is 7913842461. To hear this information again press 1."

"The usual? Or will you be having our 'stimulus package'?"

"I belong to that heroic little band of unemployed on whom a healthy economy depends."

A bald eagle approaches middle age

"But everything seems so neat and orderly we'd never guess that your lives are falling apart."

'I wasn't the smartest guy in the room, but I had the whitest teeth!'

"Is it my imagination, or does our use of correction fluid increase as people's teeth get whiter?"

'Sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out, if I'd gotten Mom's eyes and Dad's hair.'

'A neighbour of mine has just come in - put 'em in a size 4 box, will you?'

'I thought I'd seen everything, and then my wife came up with tofu fajitas.'

"I may not be in for a while, Eddie. My wife and I have decided to normalize relations."

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

"You're Bard!"

Ernie is a master brewer! He's highly skilled in every phase of the beer-making process! Business is booming at our craft beer pub! Ernie, are those ladies old enough to buy beer? I didn't ask for I.D. I didn't want to violate the no "dating" the customers policy. Ernie is an absolute genius about beer, but lacks common sense about everything else!

"Do you have something cheap but with a really expensive label?"

'The way I see it, you only get out of drinking what you put into it.'

'Try not to stare. Father Time hot hair plugs and botox.'