Anxious Investor Gifts

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

Worry tank

Stock market investment advice

Fear of news.

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

Before her first dressage competition, Kate suffered from Pre-Traumatic Stress.

'It's scoundrel time . . . '

"They're willing to throw in their kidneys."

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

"My life is a powerful blast tocenter field easily snagged on the warning track."

'Unfortunately, medical science hasn't come up with a cure for 'stock market jitters.'

"Looks very promising. Put us down for one half of one share."

'We're expecting stocks to rally but we don't know which ones and when.'

'It's not a Ponzi scheme. It's a Ponzi FUND.'

"Hurry it up, Solomon Brothers are waiting for my decision"

"Feel free to imagine you might have any of the conditions you read about in the magazines."

'She will not call on me, she will not call on me, she. . .'

"For clients with an extremely low risk tolerance, I recommend they talk to someone with a ground-floor office."

'Having investment jitters when the market is not experiencing jitters, is perfectly normal.'

"I haven't been this pessimistic about investing since yesterday."

'I hope buying this house won't sink us.'

'Your first major investment decision?'

Truth in labeling: If it sounds too good to be true. . . investments, stocks, bonds & mutual funds - formally fly-by nite investments.

'Get rich quick schemes - $1,000,000 each.'

Half a loaf is better than none..

"It's only by cultivating a deep mutual trusting relationship with clients that you'll get the chance to shaft them more than once!"

"Are there any careers where I won't get replaced by an app?"

Some black sheep at the financial consulting branch are working with cheap tricks.

"Just relax. Your investments are so safe you'll be worth a million dollars if you live to be 169."

"You go on ahead, I'll just sit here and think."

Turn off the tv! Blasphemy. I have Extreme Partisanship Syndrome. I can't hear about politics. I get too riled up. It could kill me. No more Fox, or MSNBC, or even the networks. Fine, but there are other options. Can't this kill me too? Just the mind. Tonight on Biggest Loser: Jog eating.

Choose your social anxiety coping mechanism!

I called Laurel an hour ago and she hasn’t called me back. What could possibly be the reason? She no longer likes me; She's gotten into a horrible accident; She's having an affair with Justin Timberlake? She's moving to Europe without telling me?! HOJ. She hasn't gotten the message yet? She's moving to Europe with Justin Timberlake.