Nervous Investor Gifts

"Hurry it up, Solomon Brothers are waiting for my decision"

"Your cold feet are dure to exposure to investment opportunities."

'Your first major investment decision?'

'Unfortunately, medical science hasn't come up with a cure for 'stock market jitters.'

'You treated me for Dow 13,000 phobia on the way up. Now it's hitting 13,000 again on the way down!'

'I hope buying this house won't sink us.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"I'm from brokers without borders. Invest in deserted island reits!"

'I guess my brain just started to really care about itself.'

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

Stock market investment advice

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

'You reached the Nervous Investor Fund's Hotline. The per share value is now 19.05, now 18.91, now...'

"I don't know what I'm going to do...my presentation is due on Monday and I haven't even started...I'm not sure I know how to speak."

'Don't be nervous, relax...he puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like you do. Of course, his pants are tailor made and cost $600 a pair...'

'Let's try it once without the parachute.'

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

"You should consider buying."

'That's Renfrew -- he's in charge of high-risk portfolios.'

"Safe FDIC insured, guaranteed 2.65% APY...check out our new Emotional Support CDs."

Animal worries.

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

The last of the Mom and Pop brokerage houses

Locally Grown Stocks, Farm Fresh CDs, Free Range Annuities.

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

'Finzter, our newest investment adviser, believes that money can make you happy.'

'Half-crazed with nerves Petey Otterloop awaits the start of the winter concert.'

Garage Sale: Assorted shares of stocks.

'...but the good new is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

Stock Market Psychology: 'Buy with the leftside of your brain, sell with the rightside!'