Cautious Investors Gifts

"For clients with an extremely low risk tolerance, I recommend they talk to someone with a ground-floor office."

"I dunno, looks like a trap."

No Immediate Danger

Stock market investment advice

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

"Young man, the world is your oyster, but for God�s sake avoid peanuts, soy, milk, eggs, wheat, fish, tree nuts, and chocolate."

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

Bob liked getting involved - but not actively involved.

"You might say I'm middle-of-the-road. I'd buy a fur coat but I wouldn't buy a Japanese fur coat."

For 29 years, Bert's strategy had been to reach retirement without making any waves,missteps or career-limiting moves. And it might have worked, too, if only he'd foreseen the fossilization risk.

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

'This ladder is rotten!'

"Looks very promising. Put us down for one half of one share."

"He wants the cat for his next trick. I'd be real careful about this, Eileen."

'When it comes to our Boef flambe safety is paramount.'

Health and safety nightmare.

'It's not a Ponzi scheme. It's a Ponzi FUND.'

"Waiter... This roast chicken. Can I see it's death certificate please?"

"Measure twice. Wipe once."

'Having investment jitters when the market is not experiencing jitters, is perfectly normal.'

"Okay, guys. Don't open your chutes till I give the word."

Height barrier accident.

'Hmmm, this is too good to be true: I can smell a rat...'

'Get rich quick schemes - $1,000,000 each.'

Truth in labeling: If it sounds too good to be true. . . investments, stocks, bonds & mutual funds - formally fly-by nite investments.

Half a loaf is better than none..

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten out genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

"I'd be very happy to give if I could be confident the money was spent well!"

'Mom says if you're going to buy anything online,I'm supposed to make sure it's a secure site.'

'Better slow it down a bit.'

Drink Driving

'I'd rather hear about the more relevant pyramiding schemes.'

"Just relax. Your investments are so safe you'll be worth a million dollars if you live to be 169."

"She wants to make sure we don't lose her money..."