Anthropomorphic Comedy Lover Gifts

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

"Yeah, he's cute but don't approach him. He's a service human."

"You should be sniffed, and often, by someone who knows how."

"If we only repeat what humans say whenever they're nearby... they won't realize we're aliens plotting to take over the planet."

"Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell Thursday's gluten-free lasagna!"

"...and yet it doesn't quite capture his thoughtful, contemplative side."

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

National Liberty and Tax Codes.

Eugene Ionesco

"Don't trust his tail—I know a scallywag when I see one."

'That pretty much kills my appendicitis diagnosis.'

"Can we have all of your candy, a dog biscuit and a smoke for my cat friend here?"

"Okay, so the current occupants are being tormented by supernatural forces, but they do agree to pay closing costs."

Whaaaah!(Scarey ghost shaped fart).

"Make it look like nine accidents.'

"We grind our own catnip."

"How come Dracula's hair looked so neat if he can't look in a mirror"

'I'm afraid we only publish A list celebrity cookbooks.'

'We rape, pillage and kill. THAT'S our corporate mission statement.'

"I used to be a political lobbyist, then along came this chance to be a slug."

"Well, he was a lousy captain, but he sure knows how to go out in style!"

'You can come out now, Harold. Economists say a recession won't happen.'

"Another impulse purchase?"

Les Fleurs Du Mal

"You tend to clam up, Wally, you need to come out of your shell!"

Yes, I'm sure I existed. 404 not found.

"Don't even think about it."

I don't care if you did win the bloody X-Factor. You're dealing with the H-Factor here.

"He wants to know if we've got a more dog-eared copy?"

Sid James

"Well, you did say that you were just looking for something to get you started on the property ladder."

"This one's different, mummy, he wants me for my brain."

Queen Ranavola of Madagascar executed any of her subjects who appeared in her dreams....

"Happy birthday! Make a wish and blow out the candles!" "I wish you'd find a man."