Ancient History Humorist Gifts

'In this pyramid we are unionized. We don't accept more than 50 lashes per day.'

"I didn't discover fire, but I was the first to encircle it with stones."

Say Anything of Troy

The discoverer of fire meets the discoverer of marijuana

'Just ignore him- it's just Peking Man.'

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

Apples for sale

"Frankly, I can't wait until I evolve into a bird..."

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

Vlad the Impala

"No. I can't 'let it out a bit'. It's armour, you'll just have to go on a diet!"

'We might make more progress if we try working as a team.'

"Ooh look Derek. A shooting star. Quick make a wish"

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

"We're having one heck of a time building that trapezoidal thing of yours..."

"I'd say this pair of sixes beats your hand."

The Trojan Beagle.

"When are they going to change the 'feature'?"

"While you were working on fire, I was working on my satellite. Once we figure out how to launch it into the heavens, other inventions will follow, like phones, GPS, weather predictions. . ."

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

"Please! No harmonizing during ululations!"

The discovery of asparagus.

'The wheel was easy, the owner's manual is hard!'

"Right here's fine."

"It was a lot more satisfying before 'catch and release.'"

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Crown Jewels

Name one serious woodworker who doesn't use state of the art kit. Thomas Chippendale.

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

'How could you flunk stone shop?'

'You realize, of course, there's a seven-day waiting period.'

A child at a museum starts to pull the wrappings off a mummy.

An old-time engineer enters the cockpit on a flight.