Amateur Theologian Gifts

'Do you have any preexisting conditions, like sloth, gluttony, pride, lust...'

"I'm sorry, Mr. Landis, would you repeat your question? I was lost in prayer."

'What about the commandment about doing unto others as you would have them do unto you?'

Jesus always enjoyed a day on the water fishing.

"So, you see, Honey, people heaven is up in the sky, but goldfish heaven is down in the water!"

"Did you know that cats aren't mentioned anywhere in the Bible?"

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

Church leader at desk has 3 boxes marked 'Black', 'White' and 'Gray Area'.

"Do you honestly believe we evolved from a single snow flake?"

5pm Happy Hour. 6pm discussion: what is true happiness?

'Wow! -- Talk about a paradigm shift!'

"It's cool – God told us to!"

Priest

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

Adam and Eve toast next to a serpent bartender.

'Eve wants a second opinion about the apples.'

My mother says the bible is full of good people, like Moses, who brought kindness to the world. That alone makes it a worthy basis for morality in today's world. Moses, Numbers 31:9-18(NIV), look it up.

'We were kind of hoping to let our CONSCIENCE be our guide.'

Hot cross buns

BRAND-NEW OMG-STORY

Pig philosophy class - 'I'm pink, therefore I'm ham'

"Instead of Red Team and Blue Team, why don't we make it Good v. Evil?"

Pre-nuptual Nativity

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

Church Parking Space Reserved For Sinner Of The Week

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

"This wandering in the desert for forty years thing -- It IS allegorical, isn't it?"

Promised Land Signpost

''Born again'? -- but I was just born five years ago!'

'I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon.'

30% Heredity, 70% Environment

'Oh, I understand -- with the 'coveting' part, we can get everybody!'

"Blasphemy, yes, but it was funny."