Amateur Theologians Gifts

"NOW are you ready to renounce your sinful ways?"

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

Church leader at desk has 3 boxes marked 'Black', 'White' and 'Gray Area'.

"Do you honestly believe we evolved from a single snow flake?"

5pm Happy Hour. 6pm discussion: what is true happiness?

'Wow! -- Talk about a paradigm shift!'

Priest

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

'Eve wants a second opinion about the apples.'

My mother says the bible is full of good people, like Moses, who brought kindness to the world. That alone makes it a worthy basis for morality in today's world. Moses, Numbers 31:9-18(NIV), look it up.

'We were kind of hoping to let our CONSCIENCE be our guide.'

Hot cross buns

BRAND-NEW OMG-STORY

Pig philosophy class - 'I'm pink, therefore I'm ham'

"Instead of Red Team and Blue Team, why don't we make it Good v. Evil?"

Worst. God. Ever.

"This wandering in the desert for forty years thing -- It IS allegorical, isn't it?"

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

Pre-nuptual Nativity

''Born again'? -- but I was just born five years ago!'

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

Promised Land Signpost

The Pope Code

"Did you know that cats aren't mentioned anywhere in the Bible?"

30% Heredity, 70% Environment

"Blasphemy, yes, but it was funny."

'Oh, I understand -- with the 'coveting' part, we can get everybody!'

Peter explains to the Disciples what really happened.

"Well, son, in a way, I suppose Jesus was a trust-fund baby."

'Hey! - Do these make me the Aleph-male?'

"...And when the Lord finished, she rested."

I hear you're preaching godlessness, you little heathen. I'm preaching intellectual honesty. There is no proof of a Judeo Christian almighty. You might as well believe in Zeus or the spiritual powers of a raisin scone. Where do you think morality comes from? What do you think is the basis for our civil society? The almighty! All hail the raisin scone! HOJ.

'No, make the dominant race out of placental mammals — marsupials would lead to all kind of abortion controversies.'

The Venerable Bede

People forget, on the 8th and 9th days I created the long weekend.