Alternative Eater Gifts

"Oh, give me a break. I quit smoking."

'well, then, I guess you're also lactose substitute intolerant.'

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."

"It's the only organic lacto-vegan menu I could find that fitted into the firms Christmas meal budget."

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

View to the Future

"Wait—did you procure that worm humanely?"

"Wild-caught, farm-raised, lab-grown, beach-found, or aquarium-harvested."

'I'm a vegetarian.' - 'If it's so wrong to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?'

'May future generations forgive you for eating that sausage...'

'Is it guilt that when you eat us that we are no longer called pigs but bacon, pork chops or ham?'

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

Vegetarian Birds

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

'Now, think hard about it: Do you want to be known as the one who ate the last Dodo?'

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

"The lobster dinner is thirty eight dollars, or for ten dollars extra you can have him returned to the sea."

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

'Personally I can't see anything wrong with GM crops!'

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

'It's going to be a vegan.'

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

"We would like to be genetically modified to taste like Brussels sprouts."

'And we'll give you all the carcinogens you can eat.'

"All our donuts are hand fried in what will eventually become biofuel."

"Give my compliments to the Biotech industry"

"You'll find that as a restaurateur I've worked hard to showcase the finest in organic and free range ingredients that have been harvested and prepared in authentic and traditional ways."

A boy who loves cows/burgers

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

"On second thought, just give me the ham and forget the roast beef."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"Is it free-range?"

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

"Nothing is organic, local or sustainable. Now, can we get started?"