Alternative Eater Pillows

For once, I'd like to order a non-soy-based tofu substitute. No more health food. I have Tofurkey.

"Oh, give me a break. I quit smoking."

'well, then, I guess you're also lactose substitute intolerant.'

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."

"It's the only organic lacto-vegan menu I could find that fitted into the firms Christmas meal budget."

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

View to the Future

"Wait—did you procure that worm humanely?"

"Wild-caught, farm-raised, lab-grown, beach-found, or aquarium-harvested."

'I'm a vegetarian.' - 'If it's so wrong to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?'

'May future generations forgive you for eating that sausage...'

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

Vegetarian Birds

'Is it guilt that when you eat us that we are no longer called pigs but bacon, pork chops or ham?'

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

"The lobster dinner is thirty eight dollars, or for ten dollars extra you can have him returned to the sea."

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

'Now, think hard about it: Do you want to be known as the one who ate the last Dodo?'

'Personally I can't see anything wrong with GM crops!'

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

'It's going to be a vegan.'

"We would like to be genetically modified to taste like Brussels sprouts."

'And we'll give you all the carcinogens you can eat.'

"All our donuts are hand fried in what will eventually become biofuel."

"Give my compliments to the Biotech industry"

"On second thought, just give me the ham and forget the roast beef."

"You'll find that as a restaurateur I've worked hard to showcase the finest in organic and free range ingredients that have been harvested and prepared in authentic and traditional ways."

"All our vegetables are organic, ethically sourced and stunned before being boiled."

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

A boy who loves cows/burgers

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"Is it free-range?"