Airport Comedian Gifts

Bob was headed on a long trip but had forgotten his suitcase. Luckily, the airport folks were one step ahead.

'We don't charge you any extra, but we will hate you,'

Carefree luggage.

"Sorry, you're only allowed one carrion."

'Flight simulator'

Vampire on a plane

"It's my helper trout!"

'The best part is being able to fly without taking off your shoes.'

"RAF Recruitment Waiting Room."

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

Emergency Slide Height Limit.

'My husband, Bill, works at the airport - I still haven't opened my birthday presents from three years ago.'

"O.K., you're good. Next!"

'Yep, another set of incisors that are too sharp for security regulations. You'll need to wear a muzzle during the flight, ma'am.'

"There is no air conditioning in the luggage compartment so stand up straight and stop licking your nose!"

'Here comes the in-flight meal.'

'Hello, this is your captain speaking... I'm on the next flight!'

A signaller directing pallbearers

The Problem with the TSA

"Flight time is approximately 3 seconds and - I won't lie to you folks - it's a bit choppy up there."

'Catching lunch again Steward?'

'Captain, a passenger says there's a gremlin out on the wing of the plane.'

"A sad incident at LaGuardia Airport today as a depressed 757 landed and burst into tears."

"In the event of a water landing, your seat cushions may be used as flotation devices. And, your tray tables may be used to bash sharks."

"I always end up next to the weirdo!"

'For a little extra we can allocate you a seat inside the aircraft.'

"Please remove your shoes, realize you forgot to wear socks, accept your fate, and make peace with your god."

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

Baggage Reclaim

'I‘ll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings'.

Sometimes they need the oxygen mask after they see the new baggage fees.

' ... and that's a policy giving you flight insurance covering mid-air bankruptcies.'

Birds talk about flying...we land in the Hudson all the time - no big deal.

'Did you Gack this suitcase yourself, sir?'

Airport Security. Sir, one of your tubs is empty. That one's got my dignity!