Afterlife Gifts

"Sorry for the racket... there are billions of dogs up here, and they get a little excited when someone's at the gate."

'Whenever I complained that my feet were killing me, nobody believed me.'

Why it takes longer for lawyers to get in: 'This would go a lot faster if you'd stop saying, 'alleged'...'

'I would have been here sooner if not for a wonderful caring nurse in the hospital.'

'You didn't think you could get away from us that easily, did you?'

"Since you have a complete record of my life, could you tell me if I remembered to turn the stove off?"

'I'm sorry, this is the line for people who volunteered to help their community. You're looking for the eternal damnation department.'

'Yes, we even have shoe shopping. We just refer to it as 'sole' searching.'

'Maximising shareholder value doesn't count.'

"Spent the first five years in Hell. I didn't sell my soul, I leased it."

'Sorry, you've got to go back. I've got you penciled in for eight more months of suffering.'

'The only way anyone gets in is on there knees.'

Supply was out of harps.

'I prearranged and prepaid my funeral. I shouldn't have to stand in line.'

"How did you hear about us?"

'See, right here, rule number 6...'you can't take it with you!'

"I was in purgatory only briefly and they've been sending me email newsletters ever since."

"And of course it comes with an after lifetime guarantee."

"Smoking or non-smoking?"

"I guess what I miss most is being drunk."

'Sorry, you can't take it with you...that includes your iphone.'

Man Crosses Finish Line At Heaven's Pearly Gates

'I can't believe I locked my keys inside, again!'

'Of course the Johnsons got the big cloud.'

"Sorry I'm late, but it took them a week to determine that I was legally dead."

'You didn't have to kick the bucket that hard.'

'I don't want this job. I worked all my life and retired. I like being retired.'

'It's wonderful that you were able to take it with you, but now what do you plan to do with it?'

'I'm being sent back. I told you I have a great attorney.'

St Peter: 'The bike can stay. You, on the other hand, aren't on the list.'

'To be honest, I was a little disappointed. It's hard for a place like this to live up to the hype.'

'You've come straight from an atheist birthday party?!!' 'EIGHTIETH! EIGHTIETH!'

Death of a Salesman...

'Congratulations - here's your black ball, you've been appointed to the membership committee,'

Cremated Angel - "Cremated, eh? Well, just try not to get all over everything."