The Afterlife Gifts

"This merger is to give us a better grip on our respective markets."

'I still have trouble sleeping. I thought when I died I could rest in peace.'

'Old age, eh? I just sort of left in a huff.'

"As your orientation angel, it is my duty to inform you that your former boss is down on Earth at this moment with your coworkers, performing a seance to summon your spirit back and ask where you saved the files for tomorrow’s big sales presentation."

'You do realize that's just a giant novelty fork, right? They used to have one in the restaurant where I worked.'

'It's not how I had imagined it either! Do you suppose that we are in the wrong cartoon?'

"Only one of my lives was a bowl of cherries."

'It's a 'Wish You Were Here' postcard from my husband. He went to Hell.'

Life is crap, and then you go to hell.

'Oh! I know!! We'll put you over there on that dirty little rain cloud!!'

'No mistake. It's right here...'Bad Dog'.'

"Yup. This is heaven. Free beer and unlimited peanuts."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

Cat Heaven vs Mouse Hell.

"Call me?"

'What - NINE whole lives for only ONE eternity?'

"Surgery up here is free!"

"If you get to the pitchfork-shaped cloud, you've gone too far."

'Okay, found you. Now let's open the 'Review' link...'

"We can't Sunday. We've been invited to 'you know who's' skybox."

"I thought there would be bacon here."

Hang on...I've got WINGS..!!!

"It's true: no more burpees."

'I'm being sent back. I told you I have a great attorney.'

"I do tech support for the cloud."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'No! No more harps! I can't take it anymore.'

"You are running low on cloud storage space. Please upgrade your account to continue."

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

"I just know he's gonna ask me why I voted for Trump."

"I honored her every request except for the last one: 'Harold, please stop making a scene'."

'Of course the Johnsons got the big cloud.'

"I don't want any old ones, I want my own back..."

'Remember that outfit, Miss Wilson, that you said you wouldn't be seen dead wearing?'

'Welcome to Heaven. By the way, here's your favorite club you lost on that course 28 years ago.'