Xmas Strategist Gifts

'Does Santa have skype?. . . I'd like to get in some face time, so he puts me at the top of his list come December. . .'

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"Of course, I'm willing to negotiate. . ."

'Tom will coordinate our pre-holiday point-of-purchase displays and Mark will coordinate our post holiday point-of-return displays.'

'Santa is the delivery man, I'm the CEO. Do you know what a CEO is, Lisa?'

'It's the same EVERY year... 5 minutes to midnight; victims are all male, and they're carrying large sums of money.'

"Sponsoring Christmas this year was an act of sheer marketing genius."

"Let's say an immediate $10.00 allowance increase plus an annual 8% cost of living raise and I'll call him off."

"Friday, YOU were my Secret Santa?"

Thanksgiving Feast. Get lots of turkey, but not too much of you'll have to take a pause at the nap box. I'm skipping the cranberries and going for the green beans and the potatoes. I'm at the stuffing now and getting bonus points for extra gravy! Hey! There's a shortcut through the corn, straight to the pumpkin pie! I win! Not so fast. You missed the most important spot where you give thanks for your family and friends. Oh, you're right. It's okay that I didn't win. I'll get you tomor

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

Santa using the stock exchange to keep track of stocks and bonds being good or bad as well as going up or down

'Sure, I'll take a meeting - but only if you've been very, very good,'

Santa's Workshop: Moved to China

"OK...now they've gone too far! We're barely out of Halloween!"

"I'm going to need to make multiple stops."

'I hate when they do this.'

Christmas escape plan

"For Christmas, Santa is bringing sales in at plan."

Santa Claus Always Delivers

'Let's see what Santa has in his sack for a little boy or girl...'

Gracie hatches a plan to trap Santa.

"I'm not sure she really liked our gift. She used just two exclamation points after 'Thanks'."

"What do you get for the man who complains about everything?"

"I switch to this mask if I know the homeowner is more of a cat person."

Turkey tries using a trick t-shirt to avoid being selected for dinner.

"Ken does know that isn't real money, right?"

"We'd like to go somewhere that qualifies as a tax deduction."

"He's your rich uncle. What do you buy the caveman who's hunted and gathered everything?"

Nothing Personal: Gifts for your business adversaries.

Last week revisited. Uncle Mort, want to come over to my place for Thanksgiving? Can't. Sadie and I are having it at her place. How nice of you. What? I'd love to. What can I bring? Beautifully played, no? She'll kill me. I'd love to. How nice.

"It's only weeks to Christmas. We have him right where we want him."

'... and last, but not least, a big Christmas bonus for Daddy to make sure I get what I want.'

"Every holiday I disable his Internet. It keeps his mind off us."