Writing Witticism Gifts

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'He never listened to his mother!'

Sharp Eyes

You trip on it, you buy it.

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

Bagel problems.

Bell Hop

Male On Sunday

'I'd better check it for punctuation before you give it to him.'

"High Fashion"

Mom's Mortuary

'Before we get into the scope, the breadth, the gravity and the cost of this mess...pour yourself a drink...'

Cottage Cheese

'You could use more fiber in your diet; go sow a few wild oat brans.'

'Branding is essential if you're to survive in the Jungle of modern law...'

So I said, If I'm guilty of anything, it's loving you too much. Apparently, that's not what you're supposed to say to a traffic court judge.

Beware of a first kiss that speaks volumes.

Change Of Heart

"I beg to differ, Miss. My answer is correct. It's your question that's wrong."

Cross Umbrella