Witticisms Gifts

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

Uneasy lies the head that wears a cheap toupee to bed.

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

Half Wit

Frock Coat

Sharp Eyes

"It's not just his rapier wit that intimidates."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"It would never work out- we're from two totally different tiers of the upper middle class."

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

Pressing Problem

'What?... You wanted your horse SHOD!?'

Witty T-Shirt Guy

"I'll have the chicken or the eggs benedict—whichever of them comes first."

'I don't suppose you have any grey poupon?'

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

"Mr Brown. Are you in for a triple bypass or an ingrown toenail?"

Cosmetics keep men from reading between the lines.

"Why are you giving them whiskey?"

'He'll want you to try the Winelich maneuver first, instead of the Heimlich -- it brings up the food, but leaves the wine.'

"Around here they want things in triplicate."

"The thing I hate most about my job is the work."

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

People who love the supine position tend to lie down on the job.

'At $87,000, I'd say this comes from the artist's I'm-milking-this-for-all-I-can Period.'

Life begins at forty? - That's when my arthritis kicked in.

If your too wrapped in yourself, change into something casual.

"Remember, we still have to complain about these beautiful sixty degree days when it turns seventy."

Right Of Entry

The one thing about a queue is it keeps everyone in line.

It's smart never to forget your amnesia.

Today's memoir is more of a who dunit?