Witticisms Prints

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

Uneasy lies the head that wears a cheap toupee to bed.

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

Half Wit

Frock Coat

Sharp Eyes

"It's not just his rapier wit that intimidates."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"It would never work out- we're from two totally different tiers of the upper middle class."

'What?... You wanted your horse SHOD!?'

Pressing Problem

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

"I'll have the chicken or the eggs benedict—whichever of them comes first."

Witty T-Shirt Guy

'I don't suppose you have any grey poupon?'

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

"Mr Brown. Are you in for a triple bypass or an ingrown toenail?"

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

Cosmetics keep men from reading between the lines.

"Why are you giving them whiskey?"

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.

"Around here they want things in triplicate."

"The thing I hate most about my job is the work."

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

'He'll want you to try the Winelich maneuver first, instead of the Heimlich -- it brings up the food, but leaves the wine.'

People who love the supine position tend to lie down on the job.

Life begins at forty? - That's when my arthritis kicked in.

'At $87,000, I'd say this comes from the artist's I'm-milking-this-for-all-I-can Period.'

If your too wrapped in yourself, change into something casual.

"Remember, we still have to complain about these beautiful sixty degree days when it turns seventy."

Penny Pinching

Curiosity was the mother of Venetian blinds.

It's smart never to forget your amnesia.

Today's memoir is more of a who dunit?