Witticism Wizard Gifts

'I thought up an incredible sting of rapid-fire witticisms. Too bad they came two hours after my speech.'

Backfire

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

Miss America IQ Pageant

Tesseract of the D'Urbervilles.

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Sharp Eyes

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

'Always the wise guy.'

"If you could have a dinner conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

Conference Room. I don't have the heart to tell him it wasn't a compliment when the boss said "in every brainstorming session Ernie is a ray of sunshine."

On second thought, your honor

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."

"What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing."

"She can be outspoken."

Pressing Problem

Frock Coat

Witty T-Shirt Guy

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

'I don't suppose you have any grey poupon?'

"I need some help to write my self-help book..."

Flat Foot

Magician producing the Euro

'Do Not Feed The Bares'

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

Cosmetics keep men from reading between the lines.

You'll never get anywhere as a sculptor, Ernie, until you learn to let the chips fall where they may.

'What's that terrible smell?'

"It's not just his rapier wit that intimidates."

'Your eyesight is only 20/400, but your insight is fantastic!'

'...so you need us to slow time, break the law and perform three miracles...by next Tuesday. You need to dial extension 101 and ask for the Wizard of Oz!'

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

That remark cuts me deeply, Gloria. If I may paraphrase Shakespeare, "If you cut me, do I not bleed?" If I my paraphrase Jack the Ripper …

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.