Wordplay Witticism Gifts

"I'll have the chicken or the eggs benedict—whichever of them comes first."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Backfire

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"That's it. We’re toast."

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

'So tell me why you think you're suffering from seasonal ineffective disorder.'

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

Wok. Don't Wok.

"Hic. Gosh and begorrah!" "Wha?"